There is no vodka in my house.
Tonight’s live blogging of this very special Tierra-ble episode of The Bachelor: Women Tell All will most certainly reflect that fact.
Let’s do this.
First of all, Chris Harrison promises that next week’s finale will be one of the most dramatic endings ever. So I have to assume that, at last, someone is going to die in the finale.
Or it’ll be the same old crap, different season.
Here’s our first bit of time-wasting. Sean is crashing Bachelor viewing parties. Teenage girls are freaking out.
Do people have huge viewing parties like this? Fifty-plus people in your house on a Monday night?
No, no, that is so not my jam. I watch The Bachelor on Monday nights because my brain is incapable of doing anything more taxing on a Monday evening. I’m still recovering from the weekend.
Second surprise visit: A room full of screaming sorority girls who make me want to jam something sharp directly into my ear drums.
And Sean takes his shirt off.
Let’s discuss: He’s a born-again virgin with strong family values who is unopposed to undressing for a national audience at any moment of the day or night. Never mind. Not worth discussing.
We’re back with a segment on how gorgeous Sean is. I’ll just reiterate that I am extremely bored by Sean’s bare chest. And his face. And his personality.
A clip from the season: “I hope when I’m 32 years old I don’t have to sit around with 20-year-olds gossiping.” Tierra said that to AshLee because AshLee, at 32, is just so old.
I love when 20-somethings act like they will never get any older or that they won’t still be gossiping with other bitches at 70 years old. It’s so adorable how dumb they are.
Some of the women are rocking that ombre look that I, frankly, do not understand. It doesn’t matter how well done it is, it still looks like you dyed your hair three months ago and it’s growing out.
Roots is not just a miniseries that these women have never heard of.
Everyone agrees that Tierra’s fall down the stairs was fake. But are AshLee’s breasts fake? I want to know that.
Side note: Kate is lying on the sofa. She has a cold and she keeps making a sound that, I’m guessing, might be what a really old man in a nursing home sounds like when he’s feeling especially phlegmy.
Back from break.
It’s time to interview Tierra the Tierrable, the Sparkle Queen.
“I light up in a room. When I walk into a room, I bring this joy and this smile and I’m happy.” Yes, she just said that.
She’s saying she was judged for what she looks like. It’s the “I’m pretty so women hate me” thing.
Tierra’s eyebrow is working hard. She reminds me of this:
Chris asks Tierra if there’s anything she wants to apologize for.
Tierra takes a long pause and says, “No.”
Chris Harrison says we’re going to take another break. After the break, the other women will be allowed to respond to Tierra and this is going to happen:
Honestly, I’m zoning out right now.
Here’s a video of the best stink eye ever.
We’re back from break and it’s time for more Tierra-ableness.
The eyebrow. Apparently, Tierra’s Eyebrow has its own Twitter account.
Yes, America, you are certifiably insane.
The sparkle. Tierra’s daddy is the one who told her she had sparkle when she was little and competed in pageants.
So here’s a gif of a little girl in a pageant just because.
Get it, girl. Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle.
Tierra is engaged now and has an enormous sparkly ring.
I’m going to have to assume she’s engaged to an insane person.
Why do men marry ridiculous women?
It’s a mystery to me.
OK, we’re back from commercial break again.
Now it’s time to highlight Sarah, the girl with one arm who is just like everyone else. They will show how she is just like everyone else by highlighting that she has one arm.
Here’s a moment of sincerity from me, your snarky host: Sarah seems like a lovely person inside and out.
We’ve reached the hour mark. It’s time for my weekly question: “Why is this show two hours?”
Now it’s time for Desiree to tell all.
I would really love it if Desiree’s brother would show up.
Desiree’s cockblocking brother is getting all the blame for how things happened for Des.
My cousin is predicting Desiree as the next Bachelorette. This can happen only if part of the show is that her brother comes on and fucks with every contestant.
Back from break: It’s time for AshLee to tell all.
My cousin and I are discussing AshLee’s level of crazy. It’s strong with this one. She uses her boobs to distract from the crazy, but boobs can only do so much. My cousin disagrees. “They do so much for me.”
Signs that AshLee is full up with the crazy: She immediately said Sean was her “Prince Charming.” She was immediately “head over heels.” She said, “This man has literally healed my broken heart.” I think she said all of that on the first day. LITERALLY!
Sean has a shirt on, so I might be able to stay awake for this last bit. But if I see one damn nipple, I will immediately lapse into a coma from how bored I am by this man’s chest.
AshLee gets a chance to ask Sean what happened.
Sean just said the first date with AshLee was “special.”
I have nothing to drink, so no shots tonight. Or ever. I really never take a shot when Sean says “special” because I care about my health and my future.
Watching AshLee makes me uncomfortable. I am actually watching the show right this second out of the corner of my eye. It’s like a horror movie!
The secondhand embarrassment is giving me chest pains.
We’re going to a commercial break, but the teasers indicate that we are going to have to watch more AshLee calling Sean out for saying something he says he didn’t say.
Men, don’t date crazy. Just don’t do it.
Boobs do not make up for crazy.
It’s time for bloopers now.
Why don’t they show more of that stuff during the actual season? It makes these people seem like they’re sort of human.
And there’s Sean with his shirt off again.
It makes me think of actresses like J. Lo who are so determined to show you their boobs at every awards show and in every possible manner until you’re like, “Yes, for the love of Zeus, we see and acknowledge your side boob! What do you want? A medal?” I’m just going to have to assume you have absolutely nothing to offer the world beyond the possibility of a nip slip.
We’re back from the commercial break.
It’s time to highlight the final two women.
Sean likes to talk about how “weird” he and Catherine are. She’s “weird,” her sense of humor is “weird.”
He keeps using that word. I think he doesn’t understand that having a tiny semblance of a personality does not make a person weird.
He and Lindsay are equally “weird.”
Next week’s episode will be three hours.
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Oh, who am I kidding? I have plenty of time. See you next week.